(Conversely, my relationships with straight men go haywire the moment I try to take a more active role in romance or courting.
Even when a particular girl is gay and says she’s into me, it’s like pulling teeth just to get her to flirt with me or make a move…”One of the most pervasive challenges I’ve experienced with dating after I transitioned has been maintaining the interest of cisgender bisexual women without having to perform romance in the same heteronormative manner I’d been taught back when I lived as a boy.
In this situation, if I approach romance even slightly more passively, or deviate from heteronormative standard practice in any way, the momentum between us fizzles out in a hurry.
As a result, is it really so hard to see why some gay women might feel wary or reluctant to begin a relationship with a bisexual woman?
Recently, I sat down for coffee with a lesbian acquaintance of mine who’d been dumped a month earlier by a bi woman. ”After thinking on it for a moment, I told her that I didn’t.
I suspect that at least a few gay women actually have made attempts at “making a move” and romance with my friend, but not in the manner she’d been conditioned to understand.
Conversely, many of my lesbian friends have complained of bi women disappearing after a few dates, or “ghosting”, as it’s called these days.
But I believe that it’s time to examine the pervasive, inner workings of heterosexual conditioning that, whether any of us in the bisexual community want to admit or not, have doomed so many bisexual/lesbian pairings to failure.
While I understand that I can’t speak for anyone else’s experiences, I’ve written this article with two particular perspectives in mind:1.
I have personally seen this in action several times, as many polyamorous men have been all too excited for me to date their wife or girlfriend, only to suddenly refuse when I disclose that I am transgender.
(See: The “One Penis Per Party Rule” as applied to polyamory: https://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/theproblemwithpolynormativity/ )It isn’t difficult to imagine that most gay women have internalized some of these awful messages, and it’s even less difficult to imagine the resultant feelings of insecurity regarding their sexual power or agency.
)My relationships with gay women, on the other hand, have felt much more egalitarian to me.