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You must exercise some self-control, even when strong feelings make you want to say unspeakable things. What happens if we can't agree on something important that involves both of us? What kind of physical touch best says “I love you” to you? What could I do that would cause you to pull away from me? The most successful, intimate relationships involve proactive communication before a fight ever breaks out.

All problems in relationships boil down to one thing: lack of communication. We are turf-oriented creatures, even with our most intimate relationships. How can we both get our needs met when we want different things on a particular day? What happens if one of us needs more space that the other?

Whether our concerns relate to money, sex, kids, affection, career or any of the various reasons we fight or get angry, when we don't communicate our needs and discuss our differences, things will inevitably break down. We want to protect what's ours — emotionally, psychologically, and physically — often at the expense of those we love most.

To do that, you must divorce yourself from your personal needs long enough to put first. When you get home from work, what would you like me to do or say in the first few minutes? Who do we know that has the kind of intimacy that we want? What changes will I need to make in order for you to be really happy? Where will we be in this relationship five years from now?

That means communication can't devolve into protecting your turf or being right.

Good and close relationships require letting go of some of that turf, compromising, and accepting that the other person's needs and feelings are as valid as our own.

Simply living in the same space with another person provides plenty of fodder for arguments.

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